Can You "Love" Your Friend? | Psychology Today

If I tell you I am attracted to my male friend, Tim, what do you think I'm saying? That Tim is serious eye candy and I'm gearing up to drop our pointless friendship and connect with Tim the way nature intended?

What if I said my attraction to Tim was like my attraction to a spiritual path, diet plan, or architecture style? Would you believe me? Would you think that's sad? Would you shake your head and say, "Poor Tim. She's attracted to him like she is to art deco?"

Many people think that if the attraction between a man and a woman is not going to lead to courtship or sex, then it's either sad ("thwarted love!") or unreal ("who do they think they're kidding?"). The reality is that in today's world, different kinds of attraction can, and do, develop between men and women.

I analyzed hundreds of interview transcripts and surveys of men and women reflecting on their closest other-sex friend, and found there are four ways that attraction is experienced. These types of attraction can both overlap and change with time. And just because you have one type of attraction for your friend doesn't mean he has the same type of attraction for you. (But of course you already knew that.)

The four types of attraction are: friendship attraction, romantic attraction, subjective physical/sexual attraction, and objective physical/sexual attraction. That latter form is particularly interesting, but let's understand the other three first.

Friendship attraction is not romantic or sexual in nature, but is the kind of attraction you feel when drawn to someone because you like that person and enjoy being with him or her. It's the type of attraction that most heterosexuals presumably feel for their same-sex friends. This was by far the most common type of attraction between cross-sex friends in the survey. Nearly all the respondents, 96 percent, said they currently feel friendship attraction for their friend, and over two-thirds said their friendship attraction has increased over time.

Next is romantic attraction. It's important not to confuse this with physical or sexual attraction. While the two can go together, it's certainly possible to find someone physically attractive but have no desire to be in a romantic relationship with them. Romantic attraction is about the desire to alter the friendship into a couple relationship. Only 14 percent of friends said they currently feel romantic attraction for their friend. Interestingly, almost half said they used to feel more romantic attraction at an earlier stage in their friendship than they do now. ("But now that I know what she's really like, I couldn't date her!")

The third is subjective physical/sexual attraction. This refers to feeling drawn to the other physically, and perhaps of wanting to make sex a part of the relationship. Almost a third of the survey respondents currently felt this form of attraction for their friend. Quite a few pals may want to get busy, but the strong majority-over two-thirds-did not currently feel this kind of sexual attraction. This form of attraction can change over time, and when it does it is more likely to decrease (30 percent) than to increase (20 percent).

The last form of attraction is the one I find most interesting, in part because I haven't heard it discussed, either in the research or anecdotally. I've labeled it objective physical/sexual attraction, which refers to thinking that one's friend is physically attractive in general terms ("I can see why others would find him attractive"), but not feeling the attraction herself. This kind of attraction was experienced by over half of the people I surveyed; one-quarter more than subjective physical/sexual attraction.

As you can see, friendship attraction is by far the most common type of attraction. The next most common is objective physical/sexual attraction followed by subjective physical/sexual attraction. The least reported type of attraction in male-female friendship is romantic attraction which, when it did occur, tended to decrease over time.

While the media and many researchers have focused on romantic and sexual bonds between men and women, the research into close cross-sex friendship reveals that other types of bonds can and do occur. Movies like When Harry Met Sally, and My Best Friend's Wedding focus on that teensy-weensy minority of friendships where romantic attraction gets stronger with time.

The next time you notice a real man and woman together, challenge yourself. Challenge yourself to remember that men and women can connect in a variety of ways, and one of those ways is plain old friendship.

To listen to a podcast on this topic, please visit Boise State University's Beyond the Blue podcast series: http://beyondtheblue.boisestate.edu/blog/2011/12/12/heidi-reeder/

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Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/i-can-relate/201202/can-you-love-your-friend

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